WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Mightiest Movie Santas!

Christian – Richard Attenborough (Miracle on 34th Street)

Santa has been portrayed more times in film than Jesus has (don’t research that, I certainly didn’t), making him one of the most popular icons of the cinematic world. Whether he is a saintly old man offering advice on how to bestow a childlike faith in the magic of Christmas or a drunk who works at a mall and sexes up your hot tub, it’s impossible to escape the holiday season without seeing a few dozen actors take a stab at the role.

But the most perfect portrayal of Santa isn’t a funny or satirical one. It’s a more heartfelt performance that pleads with audiences to remember when they were a child and to remember that magical feeling that December snows bring with them. The remake of Miracle on 34th Street features a performance from that doctor from Jurassic Park (or Richard Attenborough if you prefer) which outshines every other Santa in the film world.

Hired to be a mall Santa, Kris Kringle is so amazing that he ups the business seen at the store by a huge margin, until he’s framed for assaulting a down and out bum. Despite Santa’s affinity for bum rolling around this time of the year, everybody rallies to release him from jail, leading to a young girl and a slimy lawyer to equate him to freaking God to get his release.

Take a step back here. This is the real Santa, sent down in human form, to give everybody the gift of belief in Christmas magic. He gets compared to God. Not in a metaphorical way, either. The court legally relates Santa to God and releases him from jail so that he can continue to beat bums with their own 40 ouncers.

Attenborough’s performance makes this the most believable Santa on film simply because of the joy he takes in every little thing. The little girl that the film centers around asks for a dad, a house and a baby brother. Kringle works his magic and manages to somehow facilitate a marriage, navigate the real estate market and inseminate this poor girl’s mother just to make her believe he is real. That right there is devotion.

Even though the dad from Dexter tries to frame him so he loses his job, Kringle is just too perfect as a Santa to lose. Tim Allen’s Santa can go eat a sack of reindeer crap, and Billy Bob Thornton isn’t even the real Santa, just one of the bums that this real Santa would enjoy leaving for dead in a ditch.

So think about it: don’t you want a Santa who can recreate genetically perfect dinosaurs while also taking the time to impregnate unwilling women just to prove he exists? If that’s not what Christmas is really about, then I’ve been taught wrong.

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